I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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