Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
