He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
