I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
