things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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