I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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