I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
