Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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