I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
