I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
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I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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