you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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