So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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