Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
