You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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