I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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