I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
