cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
