He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
