Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
