Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
