I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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