Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
