the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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