The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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