My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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