the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize
