I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
