Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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