The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There r osticjed everywhere
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
