Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
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I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
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I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.