I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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