I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we should paint friendship bongs
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