I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
