hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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