Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
