he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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