Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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