I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
