I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
