His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
