Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
