I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
