so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
