I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We need a shit load of segways right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
