As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
