I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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