i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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