ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
