Your face is a jimmy john
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
