From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm at about main and main street
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
