god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
