the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
