did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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