If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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