Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
