The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
