I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
