Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
