Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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